You May or May Not Have Guessed
But I really wanna write a romance novel.
I honestly spend like half my time making up people that don’t exist and imagining what their lives would be like. And it’s awesome. And I’m gonna do it before I die, swear to happiness.0
I Hath Return-ed
Guys, I’m reading a really great series right now, which I had read the first book of in the past when it was still the first and only book in the series at the time, but I just finished the second book today and thought how awesome it would be if I reviewed them on here because it’s a fantastic read! I’m going to start from book three, because I’m not going to go back and read one and two again. I need to know what happens!
Anyway, the series is the Black London series, by Caitlin Kitteredge. Book one is Street Magic, which is phenomenal, book two is Demon Bound, also fantastic although a but confusing, however I’ll explain that when I start talking about the third book, Bone Gods. There are also two other books currently in the series, waiting for me at the local library until Monday, because it closed before I got off work today, and it’s closed tomorrow. So Bone Gods is going to have to last me the rest of today, all of tomorrow, and part of Monday. We’ll see how that goes. But I’m really excited about these books! I’m going to try my hardest not to ruin the rest of the series for you, but still talk about this book too. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I’ll figure something out.
I figured it out. Three days later, now that I’m well on my way into finishing book four, Devil’s Business, which is amazing, all things I learned in book three considered! I called my boyfriend up and squealed at him when I finished the third book because it was so amazing. READ THIS SERIES!
So the premise of these books is a paranormal, cop, mystery, romance, drama, to give you a genre. The two main characters are Pete (female) and Jack (male). I feel the need to clarify their genders, because you can’t see the covers of the book…
Oh, wait. You can. Jack and Pete, respectively. Jack, we learn, is a mage and has magical powers and can do certain magic things. He’s a big ol’ badass and has tattoos and swears a lot and is generally amusing. Pete is a cop, although how she ever came to be one with her attitude is absolutely beyond me, but she’s levelish-headed, and she also swears a lot. She’s got some pent-up issues of some kind or another, but she’s an easy character to follow through the story. As in I don’t want to grab a bat with nails and beat her over the brain until air stops entering and exiting her lungs regularly, unlike some other characters I’ve had to shadow through a book.
But Pete is a very masculine name, and I don’t want you to get confused, because then the already confusing plot would get more confusing. Seriously. Talking about the series in general, I have the hardest time figuring out what is what, and where is where. The Black, I have figured out, is the community of magic users, and all that entails, and the Bleak Gates are like the gates to the Underworld? Hell? The afterlife? I haven’t quite figured everything out. But there’s so much information at times that it’s hard to figure out what is going on. Specifically in the third book. That book was a joyride of information. There wasn’t much rhyme or reason to what happened, why, or how. I’d like to tell you more about what is going on in the third book, but telling you about a book without giving anything important away is difficult, first of all because it’s a series, and details run over from book to book and compound, but especially because all I want to do right now is spoil these books because I’m enjoying them so much.
But the third book really didn’t make sense, right off the bat. If you read, you’ll understand, and if you read it and want to discuss it with me, we can do that too. Kittredge has so much information she wants to put in these books, all of which are incredibly interesting and plot-relevant, I suppose, but there’s just so much information at once. The first book flowed incredibly, the second was a little more confusing, but not really all that bad, and the third book was just dreadfully confusing. I hardly knew what was happening, and why people were reacting the way they were to certain situations. I really have some points I’d like to point out to support this accusation, but it’s a bit of a spoiler if I were to say anything, so I must refrain until further notice. But there gets to be a lot going on in the series as you get further in, which may or may not be bad, depending on who you are, I guess.
As for the plot and the drama and the series of events in these books, I feel they’re fantastic. Some *ahem* non-believers and haters (my boyfriend) might say these books are cliché, but he’s talking out his bumhole because he does that a lot (love him anyway though.) I don’t think they are. I really got caught up in everything that was happening and it pulled me through one book and into next. I got through three books in a week. Three books. I’m working on the fourth right now, which I mentioned, and I can’t wait until I’m done with work and homework tonight, because then I’m going to go and read some more! They’re especially interesting recently because mmmrmmtmtmtmrmgmf.
I can already tell I’m going to get the biggest downer when I’m done with these series quite simply because I’m done with this series. Six books just isn’t enough for me. I definitely recommend this series to anyone who thinks maybe they want to read it, and if I had any specific people in mind, I’d say they should read it, but honestly, most of the people I know don’t read much, for one reason or another. But it’s a fantastic series, the writing is superb, although at times the swearing is out of place, the plot twists are intriguing and delicious, and the growing relationship between Pete and Jack is enough to keep me interested.0
I Read Something Bad…
Like, really bad. I’ve been reading a lot of things in my absence, nothing really notable or I would have complained or raved about it on here. This book was bad, and I’d definitely complain about it, but… it’s really bad. I don’t even want to talk about it…
Asshole is the New Prince Charming
Thanks to the badgering of a certain someone, I feel compelled to post about the most recent book I’ve read. This one would be called Because You’re Mine, and it’s by Lisa Kleypas. The premise of this particular piece is that a young girl doesn’t want to marry an old man, so she runs away. In this case, her way out of marriage is to run away in search of a man to sleep with her, thus ruining her for marriage to any honorable man of society aka the old guy.
Yeah, whatever, it sounded alright on the shelf. I mean, this book wasn’t horrible and I’m definitely going to look into other books of hers, but in the end, this book was simply upsetting to me. Rage quit. Except it was more of a Rage Finish. Everything was good in the beginning, and then the guy turned into Mega Asshole.
“I love you, but I’m going to be a complete dick to you because you lied to me once.”
Those aren’t real quotes, those are Dib Quotes©. I’m paraphrasing the second half of the story for you with those 19 words, because frankly, that’s what it’s all about. But let’s start with the beginning of the story, because lord knows a story isn’t just about how it ends.
We first find out that our heroine, Madeline Matthews, is betrothed to a fat, ugly old man while she herself is at the ripe age of young. I wanna say she’s 20, but I really don’t remember, and I don’t believe it explicitly says how old he is. There’s a huge age gape between them, though, and he even has two children from a first marriage. They’re both girls, so this guy is looking for another young brood mare to give him man-babies. This happens to be the unlucky Madeline Matthews, and she’s none too interested in sleeping with him.
“I have brought something for you,” Clifton remarked (…) Clifton smiled at her like some indulgent uncle with a mischievous niece. “It’s in my pocket,” he murmured, indicating the right side of his brown wool coat. “Why don’t you fish it out, like the clever kitten you are?” (…) “I insist.” He waggled his coat pocket at her. “Fetch your present, Madeline.”
Stick your own goddamn hand in your pocket, bitch. I know what’s in there, I’m not stupid. You keep that shit sway from me.
Truthfully, I thought Madeline was going to walk out of this horrid situation with a fist full of flaccid grandpa penis. The only thing I could think of right here was, “Step 1. Cut a hole in the pocket.” I mean, this guy is described as having flappy jowls and a saggy face, so he sounds like a bulldog slavering all over himself. What else is there to get so excited about if a pretty young girl isn’t going to touch your penis?
This guy just wouldn’t give up. Eventually she stuck her hand in and pulled out one of his family rings, which he reminded her of how it showed his possession over her, and how happy and eager she should be for their wedding, or the night he’s finally going to be allowed to rape her. Whatever.
For the next while, the story isn’t really all that interesting. I mean, it was interesting, but nothing exciting happened. Madeline is klutzy whenever Logan (her man-to-be) shows up, and so he gets protective over her. He gets sick, she takes care of him, and he eventually falls in love with her. Until he finds out that she only wanted him for his body (but she loves him now.) Then he gets upset and finds out that she isn’t actually Madeline Ridley.
I totally didn’t know that her name wasn’t Madeline Ridley until this point in the book. Yeah, it says her name on the back (Madeline Matthews), but I must have missed the sentence in the book where it said she was giving him a false name, because I was so confused at this point. I genuinely thought her name was Madeline Ridley. Whoopsie.
After this point, even though they were in love with each other, he makes her leave, and because she took a ride on his slippery sausage, she ended up with a bun in the oven and was sent away to her sister’s house to give birth and stop being a blemish on the family name.
Anyway, she makes a pit-stop to tell the old woman that she had been staying with while in London “thanks for everything,” but this old woman knows, and runs off and tells Logan. Logan gets mad, denies his love for her, but forces her to marry him anyway. From then on he treats her like dirt, and she deals with it, because “he’ll come around eventually.”
So in the meantime, you’re just going to let him treat you like dirt? Okay, that doesn’t sound like scarring abuse. This reminds me of the guy from Amber Fire who can’t help but rape and hurt the girl because he loves her so much. It’s about time for you to make up your mind, gentlemen. Do you want to rape her for the rest of your lives, or love her unconditionally? There really isn’t an in-between here. You can’t rape her sometimes and love her at other times.
In the end, Logan admits his love for her, which he was denying the entire time, and over time he stops treating her like dirt and starts treating her more like a princess. They have a successful baby, and the ending is “happy”.
Overall, this book was…yeah. It was a well-written story, but it just wasn’t something that I got into. I mean, I hate guys like this. Rapist assholes aren’t attractive to me. I read a book like this by Teresa Medeiros along the same lines a few years ago and it upset me at that time too, but the worst part was that it was really well written. I wanted to like it, I really did, but rape-love is never okay. The whole story is actually great until the guy stops having sex and starts having rape.1
Well, That Was Stupid…
I can’t watch music videos anymore, no matter how badly I want to. I’m supremely disappointed with nine out of every ten music videos I watch, and it affects the enjoyment I take from the song. It probably shouldn’t happen like that, but it does.
For example, ET by Katy Perry.
This song is pretty jammin’ and witty, at least I think so. I mean, “I know a place out on Mars. They drivin’ spaceships instead of cars.” Spaceships instead of cars.
It doesn’t get much more hilarious than that. That, right there, is pure lyrical genius. So to say the song amuses me is the very least you can say about my feelings toward it. Anyway, after hearing this song on the radio a billion times plus one, I decided I was ready to watch the music video. But, oh?
I’ve eaten cheese that contains less cheese than this video. It’s so… awkward. Everything about it is strange and uncomfortable, from the way she is awkwardly wiggling in her nasty space dress, which, to its defense, is pretty cool at times, what with how it bursts open and flaps, to the way random images flash on the screen. I’m not sure about you, but strangely-shaped flowers popping open at me at intense speeds is…unnerving. I can’t help but think Georgia O’Keeffe’s paintings are angry and trying to attack me, or suffocate me, or maybe give birth to me. Possible combination of all three?
And animals decomposing and molding before my eyes? That’s totally cool, too. Not sure how that connects to anything you’re singing about, but whatever. You probably thought it was an interesting image. Because choosing what you like, instead of what makes sense is always cool and best for business. Although, if you’re going to have an awkward video, then by all means, this certainly doesn’t stand out in comparison to everything else you have going on.
Now, this next awkward part isn’t actually part of the video, but part of the song. What I really don’t like listening to is milk. Please, please, for the love of all that I love, don’t sing about milk. Her milk, your milk, or even the Milky Way. It’s awkward. There’s another, more guilty song, that sings about milk, and his “Cocoa Puffs, milky, milky Cocoa Puffs.” Because she’s mixing her milk with his Cocoa Puffs. Pretty sure I haven’t looked at Cocoa Puffs the same way since the Black Eyed Peas released My Humps in 2005.
Continuing on, things get weirder still when suddenly she stiffens and falls to earth like a stone tied to a lead weight. She proceeds to dust off a robot, then kiss it passionately until it turns into the nastiest, skinniest, most pale and pubic-haired man I’ve ever seen. This man makes me want to be physically ill. I have a hard time watching this part of the video because he makes me so uncomfortable. Ugly, whatever, but this man is downright offensive to look at. Katy Perry, on the other hand, is looking dashing at this point, but then I’m overcome with fear and disgust again when they start to pan down the man’s body. I only hope and pray at this part of the video that they aren’t going to go too far down, because if his regular body is that pale, then I’m sure the part of him that never sees the sun is going to be as bright a beam of sun glinting off a mirror in midday.
And then what the hell? She opens a box of designer sunglasses out in the middle of nowhere in space on an empty asteroid and we find out she has deer legs, then she and her nasty naked man stare off into the sunset and we’re subjected to his bare ass. Am I high? Is this for real? I don’t even. Who thought this was a good idea?
Most definitely, this was not a good idea.0
Honoria sat in the light of the warm afternoon sun, her hands gently gripped along the outside edges of her book, and her eyes scanning the pages hungrily as she read the words of her newest novel. It had been gifted to her by her father, making it all the more special to her, and from the first moment she had opened its covers she had been completely enthralled with it. It was a wonderful adventure, full of surprise and magic, and she could not put it down, nor did she want to, for any reason, until she had it finished.
Which was why when Paul Humbert came strolling past her tidy white picket fence, his lips pursed in a cheerful little whistle, she was thoroughly enraged with him for distracting her.0
Five Little Horn Dogs, Jumping on the Bed
So, I (accidentally) read an erotica the other day. It happened while I was making a much-needed visit to the library, and because I was so book crazy I did one of those “sweep your arm across the shelf and take everything” kind of things, and there was one book I didn’t fully read the back of. I kind of knew what it was about, having read about it on the library website, so I didn’t feel the need at the time. Perhaps ’twould have been better had I felt the need…0
800 Baby Goats, Not All Named Steve
You know, sometimes I worry about whether or not I’m a hoarder. I’ll walk into my room one day and realize, “Wow, there’s a lot of junk in here. Where’d it all come from? Why do I have so much?” Then I’ll start cleaning it, but I’ll pick something up, like a cardboard tube, and think, “Hey, this could be awesome one day,” and I put it back where I found it. That’s what hoarders think, right?
But then I realize I don’t have 800 baby goats hidden under my mattress, so I figure I’m alright to collect stuff for a few more years.
On another note, I spent over one hundred dollars worth of gift cards at Barnes and Noble the other day because I wanted books, and by gosh I had the means to acquire those books. I haven’t read any of the novels, but I did read some of the manga I bought. Right now, they’re chilling in all areas of my room, taking up my breathing space, not collecting dust because I like to touch them from time to time to remind myself that I finally, and actually, own them. They’re very nice to look at.
Oh, yes, I’m a manga nerd, for those of you who don’t know. It’s all romance to me, so I’m not going to discriminate the form it comes to me in. Pictures, words, moving pictures of the future. Whatever. It’ll all give me diabetes and a disturbed view of reality anyway. Maybe high blood pressure. It’s just a matter of time.5